I began having my first symptoms of withdrawal around this time. In truth I'd been using narcotics since the age of 15 as a temporary escape from my bad feelings, both physical and emotional. It began with stealing a pain killer or two from my family medicine cabinet and graduated to heroin use by the age of 17. At age 17 I was hospitalized for injection related disease. I lost 40 pounds and was in intensive care for a week.

This happened, and yet, I never let myself become badly addicted. At the time that I painted this picture I had NO idea what a real narcotic withdrawal could be. I went on using narcotics from time to time to self medicate myself against everything from the common cold to depression, (it seems to work for these things and more in me) I would have slight withdrawal symptoms from time to time, such as I attempted to depict here,only when I would go too far.

During these years when I did over medicate myself I would ritualistically destroy any narcotic drugs in my possession and abstain completely for long periods of time, sometimes for years. It was this ability that I used to convince myself that I was stronger than the drug, that I was immune to addiction.

This was not true. It was not until my late 40's, some 30 years after my initial narcotic experience, that I was overcome by my life long habit. I became almost hopelessly addicted to heroin for a period of almost 4 years. I eventually managed to wean myself off , (with help) ... but not until I had a chance to TRULY experience what narcotic withdrawal is. Believe me, this picture does not even come close ... much too much ego left here. Much too much life left.

This picture does not capture the true horror.

And this painful experience was not the worst of it. Only a junkie can know what narcotics REALLY steal from you ... and if you don't know what I'm talking about ... you DON'T want to find out.

** Original misspelling of title.